art. jesus. coffee. people. books. creating. in no particular order.
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May 26, 2008

Cant I just skip ahead a page or two

     Its funny how things can go so right for so long and then over night, nothing changes, but it just seems so wrong. I don't know what it is or what spurred this but my comfort has recently been shaken. I don't feel comfortable anymore. It might be a good thing, it might be just what I needed. One day I woke up and kinda felt that a lot what felt so right, friend ships, where I am living, who I am living with and where I'm going to school and the fact that I am IN school everything just kinda... turned upside down.
     For the longest time I was so sure that I wanted to live in the city and live the city life and just be here for ever. I have learned to love Philadelphia like that dysfunctional family member who you really like but they annoy the heck out of you. But recently, I've been in at a bit of a cross roads. I recently took a trip out to the suburbs of the city to a relatives house and I was sitting outside, on the porch with a beer in my hand surrounded by trees and greenery, I didn't hear cars, no screaming, no sirens, nothing but the sounds of the trees moving and the birds singing, and the people who I was with. It was so nice. I love the greenery, I love the fresh air, I love... not hearing the prostitutes on my corner cat calling at cars that go by. But at the same time when I'm gone from the city for more than a long weekend, I start to miss those sounds and cant wait to get back to the city. I really feel the urge to be here in the city and do... something. God definitely has me here for a reason... what that reason is, I have no clue. I just have to trust God's plan. His plan has been good for me so far so why am I doubting now? I don't know.
     It seems at this stage of my life God is not working fast enough for me, I think I have Philadelphia to thank for that. I recently had it told to me that I have no patience. Boy did that rub me the wrong way. We (myself and a group of non Philadelphia dwellers) were out and about, had no where to be, no hurry, but me being the Philadelphian I am had to get no where FAST. As we were walking, moseying is more like it, i would all of a sudden notice that I was like 5 steps ahead of them and they were back there stopped and talking. So I would stop, turn around with a sigh and go back. This happened a few times and finally I just asked if we could get there already, we could get there and THEN talk or we could walk and talk. Thats when I she looked at me and said, whats your rush? Slow down. "We've got no where to be except here." Thats when it hit me, its true I am learning to be a true Philadelphian, hurry u and wait, or hurry up and go no where. I have a hard time just being. I've always got to be doing something, if im not doing something im trying to figure out a place where I have to go.
     This has recently hit me again. The school semester is over and I have nothing to do... and I really don't like it at all. I am restless. I have to be doing something. I can't not do anything. I need to learn to listen to psalm 37:7 & 34 "Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways" "Wait for the LORD, and keep his way. He will exalt you to inherit the land; " The key word being wait.
     I can't help but feeling like the kid who while reading, gets bored towards the middle of the chapter and just wants to skip ahead to the beginning of the next chapter. I think I am so ready for the next chapter, but obviously God disagrees, or I would be there already.