"Lord..." (reposted)

It's amazing how over two years ago I wrote this prayer and it still rings true to this very day. This was originally written (published 10.29.09) for a friend's online magazine, it has since gone under but remains online as to not break links or lose the articles written for it.
(I found my prayer on a community on livejournal, I had no clue that it was found let alone posted. Its amazing how God can use our words to help people that we may never know)

revelations in 140 characters

One of my favorite past times, as of late, has seemed to be watching my twitter list refresh over and over again. Why? Because I'm pretty bored and have nothing better to do becasue I follow some pretty inspiring people and those people tweet pretty inspiring and encouraging things, be them quote or their own blog posts! (i follow some pretty awesome people)

But today, I was reading, and I came across this tweet

"When it comes to chasing a dream, don't confuse "can't" with "won't." Because chances are you can, you just don't."
       - @prodigaljohn

That really hit something in me; not in a negative way, more of an affirming way.

In a few weeks it will be one year to the day, that I have graduated from art school. One year... and what do I have to show? A small portfolio, living at home with my parents... the list could go on and on... but I'm generally a positive person (atleast I try to be) so I try not to complain about that stuff much.

but... I am going to vent a little today.

See what I don't say a lot, is I'm met with a lot of discouraging remarks that I hear through the grape vine or told to my face from some of the people I live with. To them (they either are happily unemployed, young, or have worked at the same position for years) it looks like I am just playing around on the computer, "oh look at him playing with art on the computer", look at that, he's on the computer again! Whats he do? Sit on facebook all day?" All of that is untrue. Most of the time I am job searching, making connections or in some cases doing client (read: getting paid to) work!! Its frustrating to say the least, to be met with such discouraging words. Looking in the newspaper isnt a viable way to find a job anymore (last time i looked, there was 5 jobs, two teaching jobs and three nurse jobs. None of which I am qualified for) but they don't understand that... so I give them a little forgiveness when it comes to thinking im just playing on the computer.

Back to the tweet... this was really affirming. I have a ton of negative energy directed towards me externally; but I also have a lot of my own insecurities about finding a job (its weird to me not working for a year, I've worked and/or gone to school since I was 15) but I've not lost my drive TO find work, I've managed to stay positive (we all have our down days) and continue to job search and just... not sit around doing nothing and not chase what i want( read: dreams)

I think too much about little things, I should have been a Philosophy Major

My grandmother made two ceramic nativity scenes years ago. My mother and her sister absolutely love each of them, so they swap them every couple of years, this year it was my mothers turn for the larger scaled one. As she is unpacking the pieces, as the last piece is unwrapped and placed in its respectful place within the scene, she lets out a little laugh... baby Jesus is missing.

That spoke worlds to me. It speaks worlds about the modern view of Christmas and Jesus.

There now lies a Fisher Price red overall wearing dollhouse toddler in the manger. It is kind of comical in retrospect; but because I think too much... it meant so much more than "whoops" to me.

Frustrations...

As artists we're called to create, show and make culture. As Christians we're called to show Gods love, redemption and hope for the world. How does one do that without sticking to fluffy imagery? Think Thomas Kinkade, soothing lighting, pretty calming colors, nothing controversial, nothing that could offend. That's one of the struggles I'm going through right now. How do I continue with the path my art is going on while trying to be some sort of witness (whatever that might look like through the guise of art) to viewers of my art. Sure the easy answer is pray about it, which I do but at the same time God uses our logic and thoughts to answer our prayers... so where does that leave me? My only option is to have faith that the gifts the lord has graciously given to me are being used to give this glory right back to him.
After all is said and done I just have to have faith that what I am doing as both a Christian and an artist, and overall, is worthy and glorifying to God.