Its good to be busy...

One would think after completing, literally five projects in three days, I wouldn't want to look at graphics, but I made this for fun.
(typography is fun?!)

If you could go back five years & tell yourself something...

What would those five things be? A twitter friend of mine asked this on her blog and this is what I commented;

“01. Grow some balls kid! Kiss the girl! (or at least let her know you like her)

02. Don’t get woo’ed by the fancy fine arts department of your school! Keep to your guns and go into graphic design or illustration

03. Minor in Art Therapy, I know you want to focus on your art, but this will help you in the 2nd semester of senior year when you realize you want to go to grad school for this!

04. Keep up with the vegetarian eating, you’re losing tons of weight and the family is actually supporting your diet. Keep it up. (i have severely slacked in this department lately)

05. Push yourself to the limit with networking, jobbing and interning, the socialization can happen in class and at night, make those connections, don’t focus solely on friendships.”

I always say I don't have regrets, because quite frankly I don't like to think of making the "wrong" decision because having not gone into sculpture, and ultimately printmaking (i switched majors my Jr. year) I wouldn't have met and formed awesome relationships with the people I did. I mean they say hindsight is 20/20 so its easy to see where decisions could have been made different and the ultimate outcome would have left me in, not necessarily better, but a different place. Who knows for a fact but I'd like to think that I made the right decisions in the moment.

If you could have gone back and told the five years ago "you" five things, what would they be? Either comment here or write your own post about them! ( and send me a link to your post). I'd love to hear them!

"Lord..." (reposted)

It's amazing how over two years ago I wrote this prayer and it still rings true to this very day. This was originally written (published 10.29.09) for a friend's online magazine, it has since gone under but remains online as to not break links or lose the articles written for it.
(I found my prayer on a community on livejournal, I had no clue that it was found let alone posted. Its amazing how God can use our words to help people that we may never know)

thankfulTHURSDAY #2

   With being unemployed and being sequestered from my friends for about two years now, I have to admit that, its hard for me to remember that I do have things to be thankful for; its easy to lament on how i haven't had any constant source of income, that I haven't had time with friends in months (this is a side effect of no income, it takes money to go see them) or that I'm not exactly happy to be living where I am. In reality I do have things to be thankful for.  While last week I didn't post this week I am going to (even though its technically not thursday anymore.)

001. That I'm fortunate enough to be sitting on a couch, in a heated house, with electricity to type on this computer.

002. Thankful for the weird, semi accepting community that I live in, they all humor me and talk to me when I'm there to watch my little brothers sports games, or when we run into each other when I pop into Wawa

003. I got to goto my first real ice hockey game this past week! Sure it wasn't an NHL game, but it was with their minors (a half of step below the big league)

004. My knee left knee is back to normal completely (i guess my right one is the slower more retarded one... he takes after me!)

005. I got a new client this week and he loved the first round of logos I designed for him.

006. My friends meg and cat who are pretty much always there for me to show a design and they will tell me which parts suck, or which parts are good and sometimes that i should ust start over again!

007. I finally beat the game "Saints Row" and I'm now onto "Saints Row II"

008. My aunt and cousin(and he now fiance) they let me come up and escape to their house and work with them to get my out of the terrible state of Jersey. Its always a good time when I'm with them.

009. I'm thankful for my friend Amy ("met" her through twitter!) for offering to send me some of her text books on Psychology and such, even if I can't afford to goto school who says I can't read about what I wish I could goto school for?!


010. the family ordered pizza for dinner tonight... I know this sounds silly but I haven't had the money to order pizza in a while and I've REALLY been wanting some unhealthy, greasy, amazing pizza recently. Its strange, I don't know why, but... I have been.

Now, I leave you with two pictures that I'm stealing from tumblr...

sometimes i really think the burbs' are...

I live on a freakin island... I forget this people!

Remember Missing Baby Jesus?

Remember last year when I wrote about how fitting it was that our baby Jesus went missing? Well I couldn't take it anymore and I decided upon myself to make another one. I was tired of looking at an empty "Jesus-less" manger. I know its simple and silly but I was tired of it! 

I can go into deep thoughts and reflect even more on what that means for me personally, in regards to my last post but I'll spare you that (for now) and just post the pics of the baby Jesus I sculpted.

revelations in 140 characters

One of my favorite past times, as of late, has seemed to be watching my twitter list refresh over and over again. Why? Because I'm pretty bored and have nothing better to do becasue I follow some pretty inspiring people and those people tweet pretty inspiring and encouraging things, be them quote or their own blog posts! (i follow some pretty awesome people)

But today, I was reading, and I came across this tweet

"When it comes to chasing a dream, don't confuse "can't" with "won't." Because chances are you can, you just don't."
       - @prodigaljohn

That really hit something in me; not in a negative way, more of an affirming way.

In a few weeks it will be one year to the day, that I have graduated from art school. One year... and what do I have to show? A small portfolio, living at home with my parents... the list could go on and on... but I'm generally a positive person (atleast I try to be) so I try not to complain about that stuff much.

but... I am going to vent a little today.

See what I don't say a lot, is I'm met with a lot of discouraging remarks that I hear through the grape vine or told to my face from some of the people I live with. To them (they either are happily unemployed, young, or have worked at the same position for years) it looks like I am just playing around on the computer, "oh look at him playing with art on the computer", look at that, he's on the computer again! Whats he do? Sit on facebook all day?" All of that is untrue. Most of the time I am job searching, making connections or in some cases doing client (read: getting paid to) work!! Its frustrating to say the least, to be met with such discouraging words. Looking in the newspaper isnt a viable way to find a job anymore (last time i looked, there was 5 jobs, two teaching jobs and three nurse jobs. None of which I am qualified for) but they don't understand that... so I give them a little forgiveness when it comes to thinking im just playing on the computer.

Back to the tweet... this was really affirming. I have a ton of negative energy directed towards me externally; but I also have a lot of my own insecurities about finding a job (its weird to me not working for a year, I've worked and/or gone to school since I was 15) but I've not lost my drive TO find work, I've managed to stay positive (we all have our down days) and continue to job search and just... not sit around doing nothing and not chase what i want( read: dreams)

fly away (WIP)

So I've slowly decided that I will bring this blog back to life, with art, quips, thoughts.  Whatever.  I guess just to let you guys know that I am actually alive and making art haha!

---

   This piece, that i'm currently working on, the inspiration comes from one of my favorite hymns (I'll Fly Away) and the David Crowder Song (Undignified).

As for what was the push to create this piece, a friend of mine sent me an email from a friend of hers asking for artists to create or submit artwork for a show at a church.  So I had been thinking of this idea for a while (i even sketched this out in a sketch book) but I just never got around to creating it and I had also been wanting to create a more "fine arts" type piece. I've been focusing on commercial work so much that my own work is falling behind a lot lately.  So voila!

This is obviously not finished but its a good start and I look forward to finishing and finaly getting this printed and submitted to the show!

Let me know what you guys think.

Forgotten.

I think somewhere between last spring and the middle of fall, I lost my direction. I have wandered around in what feels like a wilderness for a while looking for something to lead me in the direction, never looking in the right places, feeling forgotten. Going through the motions but never changing where I look. I feel like I finally have the scent... but I'm still on the path, this meandering path, called life.

It seems everytime i try to sit down and figure out the fragmented peices of thoughts I have it all seems to get more fragmented... maybe when something becomes solid I'll be able to make sense of this fragmentation.

A Time Comes in Your Life

This recently came up in a note posted on facebook by someone who has just undergone a huge transformation in her life and it just struck a chord with me that I had to re-post it. I think every person who has ever struggled with anything or anyone who has yet to struggle with anything should read this becasue its pretty amazing!

A Time Comes in Your Life
"A time comes in your life when you finally get it … When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks, and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH!
Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears, and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening.

You realize that it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon.

You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and she is not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter), and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you; and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are …and that’s OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself; and in the process a sense of newfound confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn’t do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say, and that not everyone will always be there for you; and that it’s not always about you.

So, you learn to stand on your own, and to take care of yourself; and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers … and you begin to accept people for who they are — not their family, their spouses or their ancestors; You begin to overlook shortcomings and human frailties; and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You realize that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche; and that the expectations you project are often what you created.

You stop manufacturing excuses that it’s “others” who miraculously stroll through life’s fires unsinged. And embrace that those “others” now include you.

And you begin to sift through all that you’ve been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, and how much you should weigh; what you should wear and where you should shop, and what you should drive; how and where you should live, and what you should do for a living; who you should sleep with, who you should marry, and what you should expect of a marriage; the importance of having and raising children, or what you owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with; and in the process you learn to go with your instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing; and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not your job to save the world … and that you can’t teach a pig to sing.

You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility, and the importance of setting boundaries, and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry, and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man, or woman on your arm, or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are, and not as you would have them be.

You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love … and you learn that you don’t have the right to demand love on your terms … just to make you happy. And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely. And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10, never escape your receding hairline –and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you “stack up.
”
You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK … And that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want … and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect; and you won’t settle for less. And, you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his/her touch …and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect. And you learn that your body really is your temple, and you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn, that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve … and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for, and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.

You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time. FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it, and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. And you learn to fight for quality of life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve; and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things.

You learn that God isn’t punishing you or failing to answer our prayers. It’s just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state — the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you, and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to admit when you are wrong and to building bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself; and you to make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever, settle for less than your heart’s desire.

And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility. Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side, you take a stand; you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can. Knowing it WILL BE the best.

- Virginia Marie Swift

Now its time to go figure out who this woman is and read more by her.

"I don't believe in total freedom for the artist. Left on his own, free to do anything he likes, the artist ends up doing nothing at all. If there's one thing that's dangerous for an artist, it's precisely this question of total freedom, waiting for inspiration and the rest of it."

—Federico Fellini, I'm a Born Liar

Reading Culture Making and spending time digesting what I read has been pretty convicting... but then again so has a lot lately.  I seem to be praying for direction a lot lately becasue I'm wandering around (or maybe more of sitting still) confused.

**artwork; "Waiting for Inspiration" by Leith O'Malley

Phila.

-Random meetings of people on the street which leads to an hour long talk on the sidewalk.
-Homeless people bathing in the fastfood bathrooms
-Food Cart lines
-crazy homeless people playing music.
-horse and carriages walking next to cars driving
-the art and theatre scene
-the grungy hipster kid who, is obviously not, sitting on the sidewalk holding a sign that reads "I need money so I can stop eating cardboard."
-seeing the nice rite aid worker man handle a dude stealing something in Rite Aid, no more than 2 minutes after he nicely pointed me to the travel toothbrushes.

Even though I have only been gone for a little more than a week. It seems like so much longer. They say distance makes the heart grow fonder. What if my heart has never left in the first place?

Seasons

     I’m realizing as I get more and more involved in the christian culture that people talk about seasons in more than a simple weather terminology. I had never heard this before. A season of life, of the year. There can be many seasons of... something in one weather season.
     I have always believed in life changes happening around season changes. The end of the summer came and that ended my stint in Philly and i moved back to Jersey. As I moved to the place where everyone vacations too; all those vacationers were making their way back to wherever they lived. Having grown up here I have always seen this. In April we would see businesses start preparing for the onslaught of new people to, sadly, take advantage of with the high prices and cheap products. May would bring the population of my area up 200-300% Then in August a mass exodus would happen. Students leaving for school, vacation families leaving, some businesses closing. Another “season” on the books.
     It’s always easier to see what lead up to the closing of a season when it’s not your own. I’m back home in Jersey. Trying to figure out what my time here is meant to teach me. its showing me a lot of things. Good thing and bad things both about myself and what has become of my family over the past four years. ( when I was in school I didn’t go home very often during school ). This very short time has already shown me the way God has worked within me as I have
     Sitting here and hearing and seeing the suburban antics makes me realize more and more I am an Urban dweller and my heart is in the city; but for this season of my life I, for some reason, I am in a shore suburbanite... I know I’ll learn and be stretched during this season... I just hope that before the next season, I am onto my personal next season.


For now... my only seasonal chore is to... job hunt and get a friggin job! haha

All Other Ground is Sinking Sand.

I need to start carrying a rock in my pocket so when I get depressed and down and my heart starts to want I can just reach in my pocket and hold on to the rock to remind myself that I am often cold as stone and I forget that the father has me in his hand, and that no matter how I’m feeling I need to remember to cling to my divine rock.

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NIV)

Sabbath Day Humble Pie in my face!

As I was sitting in church yesterday I was just kind of sitting there half thinking half listening to the announcements that were being spoken and its funny, I was complaining; to myself, that I really didn't want to do anything relating to my thesis right now. I was so over it, I felt like I was beating a dead horse, etc etc etc. I kept thinking I just want to get out of school and do missions and ya know do gods work; whatever that will look like come graduation....

here's where I got a nice steaming piece of humble pie...
God reminded me of that verse, that is highlighted and underlined in my bible, in Exodus 35:35

"He has filled them with skill to do all kinds of work as engravers, designers, embroiderers in blue, purple and scarlet yarn and fine linen, and weavers—all of them skilled workers and designers."

He filled them with the skill to be artists and to do their work to the glory of god. To top it off, my thesis is all about being "created with his hands..." using hands as metaphor for spirituality.

Here I am in church, complaining about NOT wanting to do any work on my thesis, which is smothered in God... and wanting to do Gods work... hrm.. and the pharisees were a little slow... HAH! I think they learned a little something from yours truly.

I wish I could say that I left church pumped about going back to my studio to merrily go on my way working on my thesis. I did go back, I did work on my thesis, I did start something pretty sweet... was I chipped and thankful that I was there...? I'm still workin' on that. Speaking of which, time to get back to work.

Speaking of work... here is a little preview of whats brewing in "la studio de mike". These are all small (less than 3") medallions that are part of my thesis

    

...When We Needed You

"you're the God of the rescue and you came through when we needed you."

Never have these words rung so true in my head. Tonight while working in my friends studio some how my friend Liz and I got to talking about what and in some cases who God has saved us from and it really made me think how great God is. How he has saved us from so many things... even things WE want to have happen to us. What we may think of as good God has other plans and Gods plan is always perfect. I have to keep telling myself this because something I have kind of been banking on, is not going to happen but Gods great commission will be and I have to continue to remind myself its not where I am, who I am with but that I am listening to God. and doing his will.

I pray that each and everyone of us can remember this.

Frustrations...

As artists we're called to create, show and make culture. As Christians we're called to show Gods love, redemption and hope for the world. How does one do that without sticking to fluffy imagery? Think Thomas Kinkade, soothing lighting, pretty calming colors, nothing controversial, nothing that could offend. That's one of the struggles I'm going through right now. How do I continue with the path my art is going on while trying to be some sort of witness (whatever that might look like through the guise of art) to viewers of my art. Sure the easy answer is pray about it, which I do but at the same time God uses our logic and thoughts to answer our prayers... so where does that leave me? My only option is to have faith that the gifts the lord has graciously given to me are being used to give this glory right back to him.
After all is said and done I just have to have faith that what I am doing as both a Christian and an artist, and overall, is worthy and glorifying to God.

Twenty-First Time

"Twenty-First Time" by Monk & Neagle
Nowhere to live, nowhere to fall
He used to have money, but he’s wasted it all.
His face is a photograph burned in my mind,
but I pretend not to see him for the twenty-first time

He sleeps under stars, that’s all he can afford
His blanket’s an old coat he’s had since the war
He stands on the corner of Carter and Vine
But I pretend not to see him for the twenty-first time

He may be a drifter, he’s grown old and gray
But what if he’s Jesus and I walk away?
I say I’m the body and drink of the wine
but I pretend not to see him for the twenty-first time

She’s twenty-nine but she feels forty-eight
She can’t raise three kids on minimum wage
She’s cryin’ in back of the welfare line
but I pretend not to see her for the twenty-first time

She may be a stranger tryin’ to get through the day
but what if it’s Jesus and I walk away?
I say I’m the body and drink of the wine
but I pretend not to see her for the twenty-first time

This is a call for a change in my heart
I realize that I’ve not been doin’ my part
when I needed a Savior, I found it in Him
He gave to me, now I’ll give back to them

Drifter or stranger, father or son
I’ll look for Jesus in every one
’cause I am the body and drink of the wine
and I’m thankful there’s more than the twenty-first time

I remember the first time I heard that song, it was like a knife through my ice heart I remember it like it was yesterday. I was getting nestled into my bed, in my heated room. Yeah, it was really a cheesy sounding song, but the lyrics were definitely directed at me. It was right after a friend of mine was trying her hardest to get the Christian group at my school to go out and help out at this mission. I never went, I had more important things to do, like... procrastinate in my studio and talk with friends and keep telling myself i was working. After about a half of semester of no one going with her, she stopped. What did I say? Good, we'll go back to having our meetings.

How can I be so selfish?!
I never knew the name of this song, or anything other than the part about the twenty-first time. So I couldn't add it to my itunes playlist. I would hear this song on the radio station occasionally, and I would never hear the artists name or anything, and I could never find the song online, but it spoke to me everytime. It always made me remember Mathew 25:31 - 46

"31"When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. 32All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. 33He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

34"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'

37"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'

40"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

41"Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. 42For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, 43I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.'

44"They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?'

45"He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'

46"Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.""

I wish I could sit here typing this just coming back from helping out feeding the homeless or volunteering at a soup kitchen or something. Nope. I did find the song though. heh To be honest I have so many excuses to why I can't go do that. "Its not safe", "I don't have money to give; I can barely afford my own food", "They're just going to use it for drugs", "Some people are meant to minister other places". I can go on forever; but when I'm real with myself I know its just my selfishness and my bias. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that thank God, or more so Jesus for basically taking my fall for being such a cold jerk. I also pray that through ways that we dont know or understand (Isaiah 55:8) he would come and change my heart; because I'm tired of walking down the street and ignoring these people, but I can't stop...

Needs and wants.

In my last post I spoke about how restless I have been for a while. I still am, but I just felt the urge to publicly praise and thank god for giving me what he gave me this morning.

This morning I wake up tired, like I have been for the past few weeks, why I don't know. I have a feeling it might be because of the heat and that the air conditioning unit for the public areas of my apartment building is right outside my bedroom window; which is right where the head of my bed is located. So I wake up and I'm tired, so tired that I almost say screw church and just stay home and not sleep. After falling back asleep for a few minutes I decided to get up and go make a cup of coffee and see what happened. So, I make my coffee and breakfast, go over to my window and just sit there looking out at the corner. Then it happened... an amazing sense of calmness came over me as I just looked out over the intersection, there were few people out, the ones that were just strolled and enjoyed their coffee, there were no cars and just the sounds of birds singing. Then I just at that moment started talking to God, thanking him for this amazing sense of calmness he gave me. I just sat there, calm, still, knowing that God is, was and will be. After that I just went back into my room, popped on some music and layed on my bed just resting before church.

Then it hit me, if I know that God is and was and will be the great provider, why do I worry? Why do I stress? God gives you what you want when you need what you want.

Lord I want to thank you for being a God who knows what your children need and when to give them what they want. Thank you for always being there for us when sometimes; we aren't there for you. Lord, I pray that you can give the rest of your children that are restless and frustrated that amazing sense of calmness that you so graciously gave to me this morning. Thank you for letting me sit there and bask in the glory that is your world and your creation. Amen.

Cant I just skip ahead a page or two

     Its funny how things can go so right for so long and then over night, nothing changes, but it just seems so wrong. I don't know what it is or what spurred this but my comfort has recently been shaken. I don't feel comfortable anymore. It might be a good thing, it might be just what I needed. One day I woke up and kinda felt that a lot what felt so right, friend ships, where I am living, who I am living with and where I'm going to school and the fact that I am IN school everything just kinda... turned upside down.
     For the longest time I was so sure that I wanted to live in the city and live the city life and just be here for ever. I have learned to love Philadelphia like that dysfunctional family member who you really like but they annoy the heck out of you. But recently, I've been in at a bit of a cross roads. I recently took a trip out to the suburbs of the city to a relatives house and I was sitting outside, on the porch with a beer in my hand surrounded by trees and greenery, I didn't hear cars, no screaming, no sirens, nothing but the sounds of the trees moving and the birds singing, and the people who I was with. It was so nice. I love the greenery, I love the fresh air, I love... not hearing the prostitutes on my corner cat calling at cars that go by. But at the same time when I'm gone from the city for more than a long weekend, I start to miss those sounds and cant wait to get back to the city. I really feel the urge to be here in the city and do... something. God definitely has me here for a reason... what that reason is, I have no clue. I just have to trust God's plan. His plan has been good for me so far so why am I doubting now? I don't know.
     It seems at this stage of my life God is not working fast enough for me, I think I have Philadelphia to thank for that. I recently had it told to me that I have no patience. Boy did that rub me the wrong way. We (myself and a group of non Philadelphia dwellers) were out and about, had no where to be, no hurry, but me being the Philadelphian I am had to get no where FAST. As we were walking, moseying is more like it, i would all of a sudden notice that I was like 5 steps ahead of them and they were back there stopped and talking. So I would stop, turn around with a sigh and go back. This happened a few times and finally I just asked if we could get there already, we could get there and THEN talk or we could walk and talk. Thats when I she looked at me and said, whats your rush? Slow down. "We've got no where to be except here." Thats when it hit me, its true I am learning to be a true Philadelphian, hurry u and wait, or hurry up and go no where. I have a hard time just being. I've always got to be doing something, if im not doing something im trying to figure out a place where I have to go.
     This has recently hit me again. The school semester is over and I have nothing to do... and I really don't like it at all. I am restless. I have to be doing something. I can't not do anything. I need to learn to listen to psalm 37:7 & 34 "Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways" "Wait for the LORD, and keep his way. He will exalt you to inherit the land; " The key word being wait.
     I can't help but feeling like the kid who while reading, gets bored towards the middle of the chapter and just wants to skip ahead to the beginning of the next chapter. I think I am so ready for the next chapter, but obviously God disagrees, or I would be there already.